im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
