i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
