Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Boobs speak an international language.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
