I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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