so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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