Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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