I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
