Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
