She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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