She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
