Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
