Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
