just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.