end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
