Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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