Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
