biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
