i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
