he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
