It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
