Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Randomize
