is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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