I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
