I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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