ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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