i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
