The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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