I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My life is pants optional.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
