there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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