He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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