So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
