I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
