They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
