Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Randomize
