i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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