I can text with my tongue
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
