Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
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i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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