mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
is wine microwaveable?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Lo siento on account of my penis...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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