At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
