the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
