Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
