I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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