No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
