I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
