I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
