I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
