his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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