They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
