The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There's always time for handjobs
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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