dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Randomize
