mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
