i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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