i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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