You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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